“Healing does not mean leaving grief behind, it means letting love grow around the pain.”
Yesterday, 10 March 2026 is what I felt inside of me. A day that for years I lived in denial of, facing the pain, and it actually turned out to be a beautiful day. Nothing is as refreshing as realising you have conquered a trigger in your nervous system. Thank you therapist Sally for educating me on how trauma works in our nervous system. I mean, yesterday I did not cry, I did not feel bad. Instead,my heart was full of gratitude.
I also appreciate that grief is very non-linear and, I have learnt to appreciate every emotion that comes with it. Last year, I got to process my mum’s loss after 19 years of living in denial, fear and with a lot of unlearning to do. You know, when you keep repeating the same patterns in your life, you need to sit down and evaluate yourself. I am glad that happened and all I can say about that process is, FREEDOM.
But God, in February 2026 He decides to do His divine thing again. He took my grandma, my Ntagu, my sweet love, my best friend, my bestie and my whole heart. A conversation I am not yet ready to have. I am still in a journey. I remember when I spoke to my therapist, she told me she believed in me that I would handle this grief better (not the same because every grief is different as every connection is unique) just because my nervous system has been there before. Did I have questions for God? A million. I mean, another maternal anchor? How can He be this unfair? But that is what makes Him God. He is mysterious, divine and the comforting part is the fact that, He loves us so much. Nothing does He do to harm us. All in all, in bad and good times, He remains to be GOD.
Beautifully, yesterday my heart and mind focused on the half full rather than the half empty cup. I am grateful for the grace I have experienced in the absence of my dear beautiful mum. When God says He is the father to the fatherless, I am a testament of that. My grandma’s loss has redefined what physical death is for me and in that sense has given me clarity on my mum’s loss as well. This is because the 10 year old Mwendwa had no understanding of what the 30-year old Mwendwa has. They are literally ONE in this sense. In a way, as much as the loss of my grandma triggered an existing wound of my mum, at the same time, through the healing journey of my grandma’s loss (still on it- quite a journey), I have found the healing of my mum as well. How I know that is how yesterday I caught myself stating a positive statement around her loss which previously I would state in a form of fear.
Amidst the pain is so much love and gratitude. I am grateful that I experienced my mum the most at my early childhood age. The memory I have of her with me at that age was overwhelming love for me, evidenced by my childhood names, Valentine Mwendwa. In short, Love Love are my names by my mum. God knew I needed that much love to take me through many years to come. I am grateful fo the GRACE I have experienced in her physical absentia. I mean, I have survived multiple stages of development as a human being and still is. I am grateful for the many mother figures that have been in my life including random strangers who take me as their own. I am grateful that life turned the way it did because it shaped who I am. And lastly, I am grateful for facing that grief after 19 years which gave me freedom and new perspective about life. I broke away from bondages and patterns that I did not understand before then. I am just grateful for the plan God has for me in this life which included losing my mum at a young age.
One thing I will keep doing is making her proud and ensure I become the woman she desired me to become. “Mama, I will never let you down. I promise.” And so, is to my dear Ntagu, the LOML. I am lucky to have those two on the other side of life. Keep watching over us!
To everyone that Mother’s Day is a trigger, stuck in a grief bondage and in so much pain, my prayer is that, this piece gives you hope. Just know, there is freedom in releasing that pain. I promise you. Most of all, sending you LOTS of hugs and love your way. God got you <3
Happy Mothers Day to all Mums out there! You are all amazing human beings. How would life be without you all. We love, respect and honour you. Xoxo.
With Love,
Mwendwa.
