A Chapter in Healing

Mh! I have been writing and deleting as I am not sure how to begin this conversation. But let me try 🙁

Grief. Recently, I was travelling and was privileged to sit next to a very beautiful lady from South Sudan. In our sharing, she mentioned how she had lost her dad a month before and one of her close friends two months before. She said, “I am currently numb. It has been too much.” What came from my mouth was, “I understand you. One thing I can assure you is, grief is not linear. I just processed my mum’s death this year after 19 years. All I pray is that you find a supportive community in this season.”

That was a defining moment in my healing journey. I had just managed to precisely, confidently and eloquently encourage someone who was grieving! I remember sharing with my therapist with a lot of pride. Shout out to Therapist Sally! After all these years she has helped a girl face her greatest fear.

In 2023, this process tried me but I got very scared and pushed it back of my mind. All I remember is dreaming with my mum one random day. Apparently, she had moved to Italy and she was back. In psychology, that is the denial stage in grief. The love from her after seeing me in that dream was so intense. Only to wake up and the reality was, she was gone and never coming back. The feeling of the much love can only live within me as she is no longer here. It was just so sad. I remember crying so much that night and decided to numb that process. I just did not want to face it. I just did not want to. Ironically, not so long ago before that, I had walked with a friend who had lost his dad to see him process the death. I would relate to people who had lost their parents but I could not relate to how they felt because for so many years, I had numbed that feeling.

God. Sigh. He really wanted me to process this and it could take everything to have that happen. December 2024 and early January 2025 was a VERY STRANGE period in my life. My life felt like a movie where I was a main character- a lot happened- a WHOLE lot! All I know, I found myself back to therapy. I had gone back with a specific objective but in the second session, with guidance from Sally, the objective changed to processing grief. My first assignment after that session was to go check my mum’s death certificate. What a long week that was! I would postpone it every day. I am really good with numbers but tell me why for all those years I had intentionally scratched memorizing my mum’s death date as much as I had read through her death certificate severally? My strength was in knowing that God wanted me to process this. I prayed for strength and grace.

Eventually, I did check the date and that opened a new chapter of my healing journey. Unknowingly, I ended up writing my mum a 5 pager letter where I released the regrets and shared my wishes and promises with her. I thank God for an intentional support system- shout out to specifically Alfred, Anena, Yvonne and of course my therapist Sally :). Consecutively, I have been able to face more fears related to the grief and I will continue to because, healing is a journey and neither is it linear.

I just hope this encourages someone who is numb from the loss of a loved one. I promise you, it is worth processing it and it is never too late. I pray you find your community in that journey and most importantly, God’s grace to be sufficient because, Yoh! It is not easy but you will make it.

For now, continue resting in peace Jesca Kanyiri M’Mbui. Onwards, XVIII.II.MMVI is forever in my memory and I celebrate you for many reasons with the biggest being for giving birth to me. I promise to keep making you proud. I believe you are one of my guardian angels. Forever in my heart.

Xoxo, Mwendwa