To Forgive, To Be Forgiven

“Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.”

Years back, I would hear people speak about their forgiveness struggles and would always wonder, why it was that difficult for them. Until it was my turn and got to understand the concept. Surprisingly, it is a continuous journey as a human being.

My first encounter on forgiveness was 2019 to 2021. My heart was full of bitterness and vengeance. I was helplessly praying to God to teach me how to forgive. Eventually, by His grace, I did and let go. Before then, I used to associate forgiveness with weakness. However, from that experience I got to understand that forgiveness is all about MYSELF and not about the OTHER person. It made sense to me why, of all many statements in the Holy Prayer, Forgiveness by our Father is conditional to our forgiveness to others.

Also, there is forgiveness to self which I think is even more difficult. Recently, I talked about grief which took me 19 years to process. One of the main reasons why I ran away from processing it was because, I was not ready to forgive myself from some events that happened before and after I lost my mum. I was blaming that 10 year old girl in me who did not know any other way. And now, to be where I am with my healing journey, the first step I had to take was to forgive self, to forgive that 10 year old and to remind her it is well. Was it easy? Not at all. But, with therapy and praying to God, I overcame it.

Forgiveness is a daily thing. As human beings we hurt each other. It does not mean that, because I forgave X and Y today or, they forgave me, I will not experience forgiveness today and tomorrow. Wrong idea. It is a daily practice, hence why it is in the Lord’s prayer.

Besides my grief healing journey, I have been going through healing over something that happened a few months ago where I was very hurt by someone. The pain in my heart was too much, my chest was heavy- it would feel as if an elephant’s foot was on my chest and had time-to-time coughs due to the feeling of something being stuck in my throat. What an experience!

Recently, this person re-appears in my life and darlings, it was all trigger after trigger. All I had in my heart is the pain from the flashes of what they did to me. Worse of it all, I have not so far gotten accountability from them on their action- I was/am a closure kinda babe. However, life is teaching me that, at times, give yourself closure and move on. At times, asking for closure is an excuse to keep yourself in a loop. I kept asking God, why? Why do you bring them in my life? Why are they becoming very important in my life again? They did not even account? Why? I was very focused on the pain and what they did to me. Very selfish. Very human.

Mh! But, God is always in the business of ironing us. Few days ago, I got a revelation that reminded me of the many times God has spared me even when I did not ask for His forgiveness. I was deeply embarrassed but at the same time humbled. And now, I am taking the necessary actions to forgive this person and it is the best decision ever. Is it easy? Not at all. God has revealed some things to test it and I have candidly told Him, I can’t or I don’t want. What gives me hope is that, I will eventually be on the other side when I fully forgive and let go. Freedom.

What is my point darling? Forgive! Forgive those who have asked for forgiveness. Forgive those who have not asked for forgiveness. Ask for forgiveness from those who you have wronged. Let us embrace forgiveness. It is ALWAYS for YOUR own good 🙂

With Love, Mwendwa.